Saturday, December 14, 2013

So You Want To Buy Some Weed

The rules for buying weed in Seattle are simple, easy to understand, and, this above all: make perfect sense.

If an authorized care provider advertises the care he provides, you cannot legally buy it. If someone doesn't collect a tax on the weed he sells, he breaks at least one law. If a member in good standing of the King County Bar Association provides legal services to a business growing weed, she risks censure.

The reality for buying weed in Seattle is also simple to understand: Convince someone to sell you some. Pay them.

Welcome to the wonderful world of legal weed!

Seattle grows and sells the best weed in the world. (Our football team is better than yours, too. Don't be mad, bro. We don't need to argue over facts.) We make weed so good it doesn't even get you high; It does, however, provide desperate relief for those with no other options.

surely this is funny to someone
For now, the medical marijuana market makes and sells very good, competitively priced medicine for Washington State residents over the age of 18 whose papers are in proper order. Walk into a safe access point with a State ID, an authorization card, and $10. Enjoy the amazingly uncomfortable wait by yourself. Maybe you'll get to fill out a form!

Please don't ask the safe access point providers to sell you weed if you aren't a patient without your documents. The weed green "Weed for Sale" signs aren't for tourists. (Also: do not ask why the safe access point counter-guy seems surprised you'd ask to buy weed.)

Want to meet someone who might sell you weed? I'm not technically supposed to advise anyone on how to break the law, but I'm happy to take emails. Or you could visit the park.

Thursday, November 28, 2013

My Fake Medical Condition

I have never needed a medical card to buy weed, and I buy more than my share. On this, I have always been a criminal. The laws against weed are stupid, aren't enforced, and do nothing to make life better for anyone.

Washington State agrees. We didn't create recreational weed when we voted on it. If we are to learn anything from the war on drugs, learn this: Weed smokers are going to smoke weed without regard for the law.

The recreational weed law is a promise: Give us rights and we will pay taxes. Legitimize us so we can fight together against the true bad guys. Don't use weed as an excuse to incarcerate harmless poor people.

The details -- zoning laws, investment requirements, taxation schemes, licenses -- will not stop weed smokers any more than the Harrison Act stopped needle junkies. They are systems for legally delivering safe weed to the people.

In 2014, Olympia lawmakers expect to vote on the best ways to control medical marijuana. The Washington State Liquor Control Board (WSLCB) says they can do the job better than the hodge-podge of cheaters and profiteers. Let them prove it.

Weed smokers are going to smoke weed. If the law that calls weed smoking a crime doesn't deter them, why should the WSLCB try? Get weed to the people, Washington, and the people will uphold their end of the promise.

Don't end 100 years of stupid law with a brand new set of stupid laws. Leave medical marijuana alone.

Thursday, November 21, 2013

What's in a Name?

Lets talk about strains.

When I grew up, weed came in too varieties: Mexican Brown and Good. Hydroponic replaced Good sometime in the early 90s. Humbolt meant good. BC Bud meant good  Medical came next.

Ads in my dad's Playboys advertised Maui Wowee and Acalpulco Gold lifestyles. Gentlemen with mustaches and garish Pendletons add African Red to their cigarettes so curvy free-love girls will purr at their feet like Persian cats. Cheech and Chong stoners named their strains. Cool kids knew better.

I earned my Bachelors Degree in named weed strains at the 2000 Cannabis Cup in Amsterdam. Legendary. We flew back to Seattle from that trip in time for the WTO protests. Best Thanksgiving Ever.

Whoever thought of naming their unique weed strains must have been the type of brilliant one only ever gets while very high. Jack Herer didn't, but he would have. (1998 Cannabis Cup winner Skunk #1 gets credit, as far as I know. Please email me if you can make a case for someone else.)

Getting high goes with hunting strains like movies go with popcorn. Research! Very tiny area of expertise with many details! Funny names to invent!

My black pearl isn't black at all. I would love to smoke some of the legendary UW Purp. I'll gladly pay $$$ to anyone who can convince me they've got the goods.

Monday, November 11, 2013

Victor Steinbrueck Park

Victor Steinbrueck Park might be Seattle's best looking open air drug market. Down hill from Pike Place Market, just above the Western waterfront, the ground under Steinbrueck Park exists as an island in time. Drugs have been dealt so long on this piece of land, ghosts of Seattle settlers trade blankets for drugs with the ghosts of Duwamish dealers. Curly Jim buys back his land one dime bag at a time.

Neither prohibition nor reform stops business in the park. Natives will continue to deal drugs at the park regardless of our ideas. We could try throwing them all in jail for selling us a product we demand. Maybe this time it’ll work.

Illegal weed is dangerous for everyone involved, and it sucks.

The guys selling weed in Steinbrueck Park aren’t likely to hurt their customers on purpose. They don’t have time to fight. Between all the loans, helping all their buddies out, and keeping themselves high, none of the Steinbrueck Park dealers earn anything but another day on the hustle.

Pity the poor weed customer in Steinbrueck Park. When a man is reduced to buying dime bags from the nearly homeless in an open-air drug market, he has little room with to bargain.  Ten dollars gets you what you get, then you get the heck out of the Park.

Victor Steinbrueck Park may also be Seattle’s most tourist-friendly drug emporium. It’s home to two totem poles. If you visit, please make sure to respect the people who live there.

View some recent photos from the Park.

Monday, November 4, 2013

Dear Weed Journalists

Strange days lay ahead for copy editors.

As Washington and Colorado continue to experiment with weed legalization and voters in other states grow their own medical marijuana policies, reporters find themselves under incredible peer pressure to take a hit off the outdated 70s weed culture bong. Editors demand more Fast Times at Ridgemont High references.

After month long Cheech and Chong movie marathons, writers have begun scrape the resin from the burn-out allusion bowl. Seattle Weed Tours would like to offer belabored word-hounds some fresh ideas.

1. Writing an article about animals and weed? Why not let your readers know you're with it by mentioning the non-specific relationship between Shaggy and Scooby? Ever wonder why those fellas eat so much? Weed makes them so lazy!

2. Reporting on organized crime with regard to weed? Al Pacino did such a wonderful job as a Cuban Marielo exile in Scarface. Comparisons between Scarface and Mexican Drug Cartels comes so naturally, your listeners probably won't remember Scarface had absolutely nothing to do with weed. Report well, and no one will notice the racism inherent in comparing an Italian playing a fictional Cuban with the very real political struggles in Mexico.

3. Broadcast news viewers inherently understand the direct connection between the 60s counter-culture anti-war movement and the modern-day stoner. Willie Nelson’s laconic ethos represents every earth-loving, long haired, unshowered drug smoking hippie. Catch stock footage of homeless people if real hippies are unavailable.

Remember news editors; relevance and creativity are reserved for online social media. You’ve got status to quo. Keep on trucking, good buddies. You’re doing a great job.

(oh, and Matthew McConaughey…)

Monday, October 21, 2013

Thank You Medical Marijuana

We see the changes every day. Weed advertisements run in the newspaper. Outside tokers outnumber smokers in some Seattle neighborhoods. The police don't arrest people for buying and selling weed. They return confiscated flowers when the seller proves he's following our laws.

Next year, Washington State recreational marijuana will open for everyone. Our guests will travel from around the world to experience our cultures, our ways-of-life, and -- let's be honest -- the best damned weed in the world.

While we learn (and complain) about the details of Washington State Liquor Control Board's adopted recreational weed rules, we should pause to praise and remember the folks who got us here: the medical marijuana community.

Washington State legalized Medical Marijuana in 1998. The world did not end. Weed got better. More people smoked it.

From medical flowers new ideas grew. Better grows, organic farming, industrial extraction technologies, and medibles are but a few of their advances.

When it comes to culture, MMJ is here to stay. The black market gave us Cheech and Chong. Seth Rogan, James Franco, Sanjay Gupta, the Seattle City Council represent weed as medicine, performance enhancers, or economic engines.

No one can argue the quality of medical marijuana. Medical weed is so good, breeders are treated like
celebrities. Access points appear as reality television. MMJ enthusiasts publish reviews. The best labs THCs and rate turpenes. Weed medicine meet wine ratings. Look out Napa, Humbolt draws patients, not tourists.

At the end of 2012, as we inhale, hold our breath, and wait, we should celebrate those who came before us. Medical marijuana activists fought the law, and eventually, the law came around. They've taken the blunt of public abuse. Most people smoke weed to get high. Turns out society needs that kind of medicine most.

Take a moment to say appreciate the people who brought us here. Thank you medical marijuana. This next bowl is for you.

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Apartment Management Companies: Will you obey the law?

Do you manage an apartment building in Seattle? Do you want the world to know you don't discriminate? Seattle Weed Tours receives emails every day from people who want to rent without fear. Lower turnover. Increase your applicant pool. Many renters move to Seattle to take advantage of our liberal weed laws. Amazon, Google and Microsoft lure talent from California with images of our green future.

The City of Seattle publishes a primer on housing discrimination and the rights all renters. Landlords who refuse to allow tenants to make reasonable modifications -- including odor and smoke control -- to their units may be guilty of housing discrimination.

Email if you would like me to offer your contact information to potential renters.

Charlie T  <> Sept 30

I looking to rent a place to live where I can grow mmj. I'd rather rent from someone that knows what I'm doing than trying to hide it. Maybe you can help.

PS: I'm employed full time in Seattle. I have references and a clean criminal record

Hannah C <> Sept 29


I am a Bay Area native looking for a place to move into October 18th in Seattle. Definately looking for somewhere 420 friendly! Also looking for somewhere that doesn't mind dog visitors. I have a job in U village and looking for kind of a centrally located place. I would love to hear about the apartments and see some pictures if they're available!

Hannah C

Alyssa L <> Oct 2

Hello I saw your ad on CL and am curious is to what you do. I am currently looking for a apartment with my partner. I'm a MMJ patient and have been looking for a place where i can medicate privately as well as grow my own. I actually work within the MMJ industry and have found it kind of difficult to find a place because of where I work because it is federally illegal. So what I am asking is if you know of any places within the capitol hill area that is renting to MMJ patients.